Kiss Me
by Lost to the Hoping
Summary: Has Sasuke lost his mind? Or is he on drugs? Or perhaps it's some sort of mind control? Well, whatever it is, Naruto seems to be paying for it... Join us for some crack-filled yaoi fun in Kiss Me!
1. Kiss Me

**Kiss Me  
Characters: SasukexNaruto  
Description: "Kiss me, dammit." "Sasuke... Weren't you going to kill me?" "No. Now shut up. and kiss. me."  
Disclaimer: You really think this is mine? Seriously? Wow. I'm touched. Let's go have Sasuke-salad with Danzo-dressing and Sai Syrup on Neji Waffles.  
Warning: Lime, shonen ai, vague spoilers, if you squint  
Rating: T**

xXx

Sasuke slammed his blond one-time friend against the wall, kunai in hand. Naruto tensed, but after meeting the Uchiha's eyes he relaxed again, no longer resisting. He smiled, eyes shimmering with tears so that even Sasuke paused. "This is it?" the blond asked him. He tried to laugh, but choked on it. "I guess it'd happen eventually, huh?"

For a moment, Sasuke contemplated just staying quiet. All he had to do was swipe the kunai's blade against Naruto's throat and it'd all be over. No more chases, no more fighting. They could end it right here. Once and for all. But there were other ways he could end it too. Ways he'd definitely considered; Naruto _was_ his best friend, after all. "Should I spare your pathetic life?" he asked softly, eyes narrowing mock-thoughtfully.

"Would it matter to you if I said 'I don't care anymore'?" the jinchurriki retorted half-heartedly. "I'm not going to stop you, Sasuke. Just... Get it over with."

"Finally realized that you'd have to kill me to bring me back, huh?" the Uchiha mocked, smirking and ignoring the melancholy statements. "I guess that's something you can't do."

Blue eyes saddened a bit. "No. I can't."

The matter of fact way he'd said it left Sasuke speechless for a moment. He'd expected his old friend to come back with 'can you?' or something equally biting. But he hadn't. Why? And why was Sasuke hesitating, anyway? He just felt... he felt it'd be a waste to kill the other. Yeah, that was it. It'd be a waste. Even as he thought this, though, he knew he was just kidding himself. He couldn't kill Naruto, anymore than Naruto could kill him. It was just a fact of life he'd have to accept.

"Dobe," he growled, eyes narrowing. Naruto opened his mouth - likely to say something else, though considering his last statement, Sasuke wasn't sure what - and Sasuke, not wanting to hear it, crushed his lips to the blond's. Shock made Naruto stand still until Sasuke pulled back, irritated. "Kiss me, dammit," he growled, refusing to acknowledge the twisting sensation in his chest that said he was afraid of rejection. He was Uchiha. Uchiha did not fear, dammit.

Blue eyes staring wide at him, Naruto gaped for a few seconds more before finally managing to find his voice. "Sasuke... Weren't you going to kill me?" He looked very, very confused.

Even more annoyed, Sasuke rolled his eyes and shook his head, shifting his hand and letting the kunai slip into the pouch he kept up his sleeve. "No. Now shut up. and kiss. me," he ordered and pressed his mouth to Naruto's once again, fed up with the whole thing. Naruto reciprocated this time, after hesitating briefly, and when Sasuke introduced the novel of tongue, he could feel the blond practically melt. Heh. Score one for him.

When Sasuke recognised the tight feeling in his chest, finally, as the need for air, he pulled back, gasping despite the tiny breaths he'd tried taking while kissing the blond. Dammit. He had to work on that. Naruto looked a cross between asphyxiated and dizzy, though the latter could be a product of the former, he guessed.

"Um..." Naruto lifted a hand and cradled his head as Sasuke pulled fully away from him. "I... My head hurts."

"Good." Sasuke grabbed the blond's wrist and tugged him down the hall of his current hide-out. "I'm kidnapping you, just so you know."

"Okay..." Pause. "Wait, what?"

xXx

**I love this pairing. And Sasuke, the damn prick, has somehow managed to worm his way back into my black heart. Amazing. R&R!**


	2. The Disease is Spreading

**The Disease is Spreading  
Characters: NarutoxSasuke  
Description: Another grind against him made him groan as he felt an entirely different feeling from last time. Oh no. The disease was spreading.  
Disclaimer: See these cheese puffs? I totally used them for some yummy dirty fun with my Purring Naked Neji, Shower Addition that I got for free from Kaori due to my new membership to The Depraved Masses. (Yes, that was advertisement; go check out her Shinobi's Guide series!)  
Dedication: All those who reviewed 'Kiss Me'.  
Rating: T**

xXx

Naruto wasn't quite sure he'd ever run from anyone before. Yeah, sure, he'd dodged, or left the area because it was too damaged, or lead his opponent into a trap. But he'd never actually run from anyone (that one time with the Ero Sennin when the old man got really drunk and thought he was an enemy didn't count). Of course, he was quite sure anyone would run if faced with Naruto's situation.

Namely, his enemy - that had once been his rival slash best friend... thingy - wanted to screw him. Literally. As in, have sex with him.

Yeah, his problem should be obvious now.

"Leave me alone!" Naruto shouted, his voice swallowed by the tunnel and sounding a bizarre mix of horrified and fatigued. He'd been running all night, after all.

There was an insane bark of laughter from behind him. "No! I want you!"

"Obviously! But I don't want you!" Poor Naruto felt like crying. "Why can't you just leave me alone!"

"Because! You _do_ want me! You just don't know it yet!"

"You're crazy!"

His declaration was met with silence, and Naruto chanced a look back. However, this slowed him enough that Sasuke was able to pounce, and before he knew it, he'd been tackled to the floor and pinned there. His chest heaving, Naruto looked up at the Uchiha sitting on him with combined terror and resignation. He was too damn tired, but... but his virtue!

"No," he gasped in between trying to regain his breath.

Sasuke nodded. "Yes," he argued, straddling the blond's hips and pressing his wrists into the floor. "You'll agree. Eventually."

Blue eyes widened. "N-no! Sasuke... Sasuke, let's talk about this," he pleaded desperately. "You don't really want me..."

Sasuke clucked his tongue and shook his head, miming a patient parent speaking to their naive offspring, even if the situation was completely different than that. "Oh, but I really do," he said, lowering his lips to the blond's ear. "And so will you, soon," he added, grinding his hips against Naruto's enough to elicit a gasp.

The blond wasn't sure if it was a surprised gasp, though he decided it must be. The Uchiha was just going insane, after all. The heat must be getting to him (it was the dead middle of Winter, but Ero Sennin had once used this excuse, so he decided it was just as accurate) to make him act this way. Yeah, that was it. Soon enough, Sasuke would be back to his normal, avenger self. But until then... Naruto had to focus on staying alive. As well as keeping his viginity intact.

Another grind against him made him groan as he felt an entirely different feeling from last time. Oh no. The disease was spreading. "Sasu...ke," he moaned, gasping with Sasuke saw his reaction and did it again. "St...op. Uh..."

Grinning immorally, Sasuke leaned down, pressing a kiss to Naruto's throat, then another, and another, trailing them down his pulse and into the hollow of his throat, then up and along his jaw before capturing his mouth. He timed another grind of his hips to get Naruto to gasp again and his tongue darted inside the blond's mouth. Naruto was still fighting it, but under Sasuke's assault, he was quickly giving in.

With a hungry grin, Sasuke shifted Naruto's hands until he was able to hold both of them with one of his own and then started unzipping the blond's ghastly orange vest.

Perfect.

xXx

**Alright, peeps. Thank Azhwi for inadverdantly giving me the inspiration for this little sequel. Hope you're happy. *grumbles***

**R&R!**


	3. I'm Not Gay

**I'm Not Gay  
Characters: SasuNaru  
Description: Naruto is not gay. No, no he is not. He is not gay, he's not gay, he's not... Oh, Kami, that felt good- but-! He's not gay!  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Itachi never would have died, Deidara would have had raunchy sex with Sasori, Sakura wouldn't have been a total loser in the beginning and Ino would have totally kicked that bitch around the arena. … that bitch being Sakura, who was a total pansy way back when.  
Dedication: To all those who've enjoyed the many laughs we've had over this bizarre, out-of-left-field, SasuNaru story. And to Azhwi, who seems to keep coming up with weird phrases in her reviews that give me inspiration.  
A/N: Fair warning to all, this has crossed into the realm of pure fucking crack.**

xXx

Naruto had escaped Sasuke's clutches once again (he was beginning to believe it when Tsunade-obaa and Ero Sennin told him he had the devil's luck), by accidentally knocking into the wall (while thrashing in a mad and largely ineffectual attempt to throw Sasuke off of him) and sending a huge, heavy, pointy stalactite crashing down on the Uchiha. Despite the fact that such a thing would have instantly killed a normal human, Uchiha Sasuke had Kishimoto-sensei and Mary Sue-ism on his side, so Naruto didn't stick around to find out if he'd survived or not.

Despite the fact that Sasuke should by all rights be dead now, and for the sake of the story (and the fact that Sasuke is, indeed, a Mary Sue - don't bitch, you know it's true; it's why we love him), we'll just assume Sasuke made some miraculous escape and/or recovery, ignore the fact that the authoress is sitting in the background chanting "Kill him, kill him, kill him" and continue on our merry way.

At the current moment, Naruto was hiding in Sasuke's hide out from Sasuke, specifically in Sasuke's bedroom trashcan. He figured if he wasn't able to stay hidden from Sasuke, then maybe Sasuke would be irrevocably repulsed by the stench and not want to... ahem... fuck him anymore. Then again, Sasuke was pretty far gone by now, wasn't he? (The authoress would like to point out that he's been 'pretty far gone' for the majority of the Naruto series, sans the part where he was... like... seven)(just don't ask the authoress why she's referring to herself in the third person).

Naruto caught his breath and held it at the tell-tale sound that accompanied a person when they 'poofed' into an area via teleportation jutsu. Silence, then, softly and eerily, sending a shiver of fear (and something strangely like want, but Naruto decided this was because he _wanted_ to escape indefinitely), "Naaarrruuutoooo. Come out, come out, where-ever you are. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too."

Dog? Since when did he have a dog? Naruto had the sneaking suspicion that Sasuke may be on drugs. Not that he was about to point said suspicion out. He was too busy hiding for his life (virtue) and holding his breath.

"Naruto, I know you're in here. I can hear your desire," Sasuke continued, "Fufufu."

The fuck?

"Aha!" The lid of the trashcan where Naruto hid was swept off and Sasuke hauled him out and toward the shower ("Despite being insane," says the authoress, "He's a genius, Naruto. Did you really think the stinct would deter him for longer than it took to run you through the shower?"). Oh fuck. Five minutes later, after undressing the struggling Naruto (calling out 'rape' the whole time), Sasuke shoved him under the hot water (that was just the right temperature). "Wash," he ordered.

Naruto glared at him and grabbed a wash puff to cover himself with (because Sasuke was devouring him with his eyes). "Make me," he retorted, not really thinking through his fatigue and adrenaline.

He realized his mistake when Sasuke grinned immorally. "Don't mind if I do," he replied and snatched the (pink) puff away.

"I was kidding," Naruto said, backing up against the back of the shower when Sasuke stepped in, still fully clothed.

"I know," Sasuke replied and reached up.

Naruto flinched, squeezing his eyes shut. Then the puff was touching his chest, the liquid soap Sasuke had put on it much cooler than the water, and Naruto jumped at the sensation, eyes popping open. He stared at Sasuke in shock as his ex-teammate... _washed_ him. Naruto blushed when, suddenly, his cock gave an interested twitch. Sasuke - damn him - noticed. He grinned. Naruto paled.

Slowly, torturously, Sasuke dragged the puff back and forth across Naruto's stomach, inching downward. Naruto winced when Sasuke finally reached his now half-hard cock. Oh gods. "Stop," the blond panted, hips jerking forward as he clung to the back of the shower in an attempt to stay on his feet. Predictably, Sasuke ignored his plea and knelt in front of him, abandoning the puff to stroke Naruto's cock to painful hardness. "Please," Naruto begged, knees buckling so that it was only Sasuke's grip on his hip and the blond's arms on either side of the shower keeping him up. He wasn't sure what he was pleading for anymore.

Naruto moaned, writhing for a moment before he remembered how to think and began a mental chant. _I am not gay. No, no I am not. I am not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not... Oh, Kami, Sasuke, that feels good... Harder... But-! I'm not gay! The hell am I thinking!_ Fortunately (for Sasuke), the Uchiha decided at that point that his mouth was a good tool in his endeavors to seduce Naruto, and Naruto completely blanked.

Naruto may not have been gay, but maybe he was bi-sexual.

xXx

**Lmao. I really love this one. It's like half crack. I think the muse was on drugs or something... Lol. R&R! Don't just fave/alert! And I hope you guys enjoyed the mini-lemon.**


	4. Everybody Loves Me

**You can blame Azhwi for this one too.**

**Everybody Loves Me  
Characters: SasuNaru  
Description: "I hate you." "No, you love me. Admit it. It's impossible to do otherwise. After all, Kishimoto loves me." "... who?"  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: Yeah... don't own it. I do own the aforementioned cheese puffs, though. Oh, and that shower puff. It's totally mine, too.  
Dedication: To Azhwi, for purposely doing this to me (and I enjoy every minute of it). XD**

xXx

Naruto didn't know how he'd gotten himself into this predicament. He was going on three days without sleep, five hours of being screwed by Sasuke (and begrudgingly loving every minute of it, not that he'd admit it), and he was low on chakra (for once). He was also beginning to wonder if he'd ever be rescued. Damn it all.

"Oh Naruto~!" Sasuke sang cheerily. Faaaar too cheerily.

Naruto cringed as Sasuke came back into the room, carrying a tray, garbed in his usual clothes, except one difference. He was wearing an apron. A pink apron. With frills. And duckies. (The authoress falls over backward with a nosebleed). The overall effect clashed horribly, burning Naruto's eyes, and if he hadn't been currently tied to a chair, he'd have fallen out of it (much like the authoress keeps doing). Speaking of being tied to a chair...

"Sasuke-teme! Lemme out!"

"And let you run away- again? No, no, no..." Sasuke smiled slightly. "I don't think so."

"Dammit."

Sasuke gave him another strange smile and set the tray down on the table in front of his blond (unwilling) lover. On it was a glass of juice (orange), a stack of pancakes and...

"I'm not taking that."

Sasuke grinned. "Yes. You are."

Naruto glared at the small white pill. "I don't know what it is!"

The Uchiha shrugged. "A vitamin?"

"Bullshit!" Like he'd believe tha-

Sasuke abruptly shoved the pill down his throat, followed by the orange juice (he nearly drowned Naruto and was forced to use CPR)(not that this was bad... for Sasuke). One thing lead to another, breakfast was prolonged, and Naruto found himself under Sasuke on the kitchen floor.

Again.

"I hate you."

"No, you love me. Admit it. It's impossible to do otherwise. After all, Kishimoto loves me."

"... who?"

"... the mangaka...?"

"Mangaka? Sasuke, are you on drugs?"

"... maybe..."

"I knew it."

xXx

**Yeah. Pure fail, but I'm not going to force it. XD**


	5. Damn

**Damn**  
**Characters: SasuNaru, Neji**  
**Description: Neji to the rescue! ... or not.**  
**Rating: T  
Disclaimer: Don't own it. However, I DID make up a couple of the jutsus mentioned...**  
**Dedication: To KibaSin, for keeping me company, helping me daydream, and sparking this idea in my tired brain. Love you, Kiiibaaaa-saamaaa!**

xXx

It was going on four days since Naruto last slept. Of course, Sasuke hadn't slept in that long either. Currently, Naruto was tied to the bed and Sasuke was resting against him, but the blond knew he wasn't sleeping.

"... Sasuke?" No answer. ... wasn't he not sleeping? Luckily, he was.

Not.

There was a sound somewhere and Naruto tensed as the bedroom door slid silently open. And standing there...

Was Neji. Hyuuga Neji.

"Run!" Naruto hissed, shooting the sleeping Sasuke a worried look. Only one problem. It wasn't Sasuke. It was a pillow. "Oh, shit."

Neji frowned, then spun, detecting movement behind him.

_Crack!_

He crumbled to the ground, a manic Sasuke standing over him, holding a baseball bat. "New toy!" he declared.

Naruto sighed. Damn.

xXx

When Neji woke, he was surrounded by darkness and his head was pounding. He felt like someone had decked him with a log (little did he know, it was a bit more compact than that, but just as effective).

The Byakugan user sat completely still for some time, tied to a chair, before his head cleared enough that he realized it wasn't necessarily dark... just that he'd been blindfolded. He almost wanted to laugh. Were his captors idiots?

With a pulse of chakra, he activated his Byakugan.

There was no one in the immediate room, aside from himself, but about twenty yards to his left, someone lay horizontally. That someone was Naruto.

He'd recognize that chakra anywhere.

Deciding he was safe enough for the time being, he started tugging at his bonds only to realize they only got tighter the more he struggled.

Damn.

xXx

The day after Neji's capture, Naruto woke up. He was surprised by this. When had he fallen asleep? His eyes snapped open and he really wished they hadn't. Sasuke was two inches from his face, grinning perversely.

"Naarruuuttooo," he said, trailing a finger down Naruto's thigh.

Naruto sighed, squirming away. "Okay, Sasuke, if I promise not to go, will you untie me?"

"Sure." Sasuke reached up and started undoing his bonds.

Naruto was dumbstruck. Wait, what? What just happened? "W-what? Just like that?" he asked, shocked.

Sasuke grinned and nodded. "You promise not to leave, right?" He paused.

Naruto nodded quickly. "Sure Sasuke! I'll stay!" he lied. The instant Sasuke undid his bindings, he took off. His feet pounded through the house and he glanced over his shoulder every time he turned a corner.

Sasuke wasn't following.

Naruto finally opened a door that went outside... but an unseen force gripped his throat like a hot iron and slammed him back against the opposite wall. As the pain slowly faded, he heard slow footsteps and then Sasuke was crouching beside him, wiping his forehead with a cold cloth.

"Don't do that again," he suggested. "It'll hurt."

"C-coulda... warned me..." Naruto rasped, hand cupping his throat loosely.

Sasuke nodded. "I could have, but you'd have tried anyway. I don't like seeing you in pain, Naruto, so don't do it again, okay?" he ordered, rubbing Naruto's back almost soothingly.

"What happened?" Naruto muttered a few minutes later as Sasuke helped him to his feet.

"Trap jutsu. _Ori no Jutsu_, to be specific."

Cage technique. He was trapped with a cage technique.

Damn.

xXx

Neji awoke to a hand on his shoulder, then something tugging on his ropes. "Hey," a rough, tired voice said. "You awake, Neji?"

"Naruto," he said, feeling relieved. "Are we escaping?"

"Can't. But I'm at least-"

"Naruto~!" a sing-song voice interrupted and Neji mentally cursed. "Now, now, Naruto, none of that. Back away, Naruto..."

"Sasuke, I- urgg...!" There was a soft thud somewhere to Neji's right.

"_Katon: Chein no Jutsu_," Sasuke continued conversationally. "It's a Katon technique 'cause it employs chakra to create fire in strict bands around the users limbs. Hurts, doesn't it?"

"Teme..." Naruto choked out.

Sasuke chuckled, drawing closer. "Kai." A hand gripped Neji's chin. "Welcome to our lovely little home, Neji-kun. I hope you enjoy your stay." And he was pulled into a rough kiss.

Suddenly, Neji understood why Naruto had told him to run.

Damn.

xXx

**Yay! End of part 1~! R&R! Ja,**  
**TSV**


	6. Never Get Out

**Never Get Out**  
**Characters: SasuNaru, Neji**  
**Description: Sasuke didn't kidnap them. He borrowed them with no intention of giving them back.**  
**Rating: M  
Disclaimer: Ooh, look! It's Itachi! *****does the fangirl number and stalks him* … okay, he got away. Dammit.**  
**Warning: Crack, of course. Who do you take me for?**  
**Dedication: KibaSin, of course. This is for you, baby!**

xXx

As soon as Sasuke pulled out of the kiss, he reached around Neji's head to undo the blindfold. As soon as the knot was undone, Neji bit him.

"Ow!" Sasuke smacked him, pouting and rubbing his now bloody arm.

Neji glared and spit the blood out. "Release me and surrender," he ordered imperiously.

Sasuke was very still for a moment. Then he laughed. "Seriously? Naruto, tell him how much that would work."

Naruto sighed, looking like he hadn't slept in days. (And he hadn't.) "I think he's been smoking something, or has gone temporarily - or permanently - insane. He keeps talking about some dude named Kishimoto-"

"The mangaka?" Neji asked.

Sasuke made a victorious sound. "Aha! So I'm _not_ the only one!"

"Of course not," Neji scoffed. "I'm a genius. I knew ages ago."

"I found out when I was five," Sasuke said petulantly.

"I knew when I was born," Neji retorted.

"I could throw kunai when I was in the uterus," Sasuke said, crossing his arms.

Neji wanted to cross his arms too, but couldn't, so instead glared. "Well, I retain my previous life's memories."

Sasuke snorted. "At least I don't have main house rants."

Neji bared his teeth. "At least I don't have sexual frustration because my brother won't fuck me."

"You don't have a brother, and I don't have sexual frustration," Sasuke snapped. "I've been having fun with Naruto."

"With the idiot? That's insane."

"That's what I said," mumbled Naruto, but he was ignored.

"He's my idiot!" Sasuke returned, grabbing Naruto and pulling him against his chest to kiss him roughly.

Neji made a face. "Gross. He looks like mustard."

Sasuke got a weird look on his face. "You're right. Mustard would go great with Naruto..." He turned and left the room.

Naruto glared at Neji. "Thanks. Now he's going to fuck me with mustard. Remind me next time I want to rescue you not to."

Neji sputtered. "W-what? He was serious! You guys have been... have been..."

Naruto sighed. "Yeah... Pretty much. And he hasn't slept in days."

The Byakugan user felt something uneasy snake down his spine. "And... what does he plan on doing to me...?" he asked, terrified.

Naruto smirked vindictively at that. "Probably much the same."

"Oh shit."

No sooner had the sentiment passed Neji's lips did the door swing open, revealing Sasuke. The Uchiha held a yellow bottle in one hand... and a jar of relish in the other. "Play time!"

Neji gaped; Naruto realized he'd never get out.

xXx

**Ahahah. This one's to azhwi as well, for assisting me in closing it. Thank these lovely ladies for helping my muse work (and no, my muse doesn't have a crush on azhwi. really. ok, i'm a liar). XD R&R!**


	7. Naruto's Revenge

**Naruto's Revenge**  
**Characters: Neji, Naruto, Sasuke**  
**Description: "It's the Super Sasuke Shadow Clone Genjutsu 2010. Only I am capable of doing it, 'cause Kishimoto-sensei loves me." "He does not!"**  
**Rating: T**  
**Warning: Crack. Duh. Possible (and likely) depravity.**  
**Disclaimer: I own a cactus. His name is Ralph. I wanted to name him Neji, but if I walked around saying 'I own Neji!' some fangirl might stab me in the eye with a pencil.**  
**Dedication: one-of-the-Clayr on DA. You should read her Naruto Fan Comics. They're as hilarious as this, only slightly more in character. (who needs characterization when you can have crazy!Sasuke?)**

xXx

"You realize that when _I_ escape, I'm leaving you here to your doom," Neji muttered, peeking around the corner.

Naruto sighed. "I figured as much. Maybe if you throw me at him, it'll distract him long enough for you to get out," he mused, voice equally low. "I'm willing to make the sacrifice for a comrade."

Neji nodded. "Tell Sakura-san you love her?"

"Yes. What else?"

"Understood." Judging the hall to be clear, the two darted out and into a nearby room, using a weak jutsu to blend in with their surroundings. Neji peered out the door, looking around the hall. "It's clear." He took a few steps out... then realized that Naruto wasn't following him.

For a beat, he hesitated, then he decided that - comrade or not - he wasn't going to risk getting recaptured by that psychopath again.

Meanwhile...

"Oh, so happy to find you again~!" Sasuke singsonged. He was dragging Naruto down a secret passage way by the foot, ignoring the desperate howls of "No! Let me go! Neeeejiiii! I'll get you, you traitor bastarrrddd!" and the scritch-scratching sound that was likely Naruto's fingernails on the stone floor. Either that, or he was completely oblivious to said sounds due to the depth of his apparent insanity.

It was a toss up as to which was the case.

"OH, by the way," Sasuke said, stopping and accidentally knocking Naruto's head into the floor. Luckily, Naruto's head was hard enough to survive the impact. The floor... not so much, if the spiderweb of cracks branching out from the point of impact were anything to go by. "Where'd Neji go?"

"He escaped."

"No he didn't," Sasuke scoffed. "I put that jutsu on him, too. Didn't you tell him?" Silence, and Sasuke snickered. "Hm... wonder how long it'll take him to figure it out?"

Naruto sighed. "Can you let me go already?"

Sasuke laughed. "No!" And he continued dragging the blond along. Naruto gave up trying to claw himself to freedom, tucked his arms across his chest and let himself be pulled away. After all, he was getting revenge on Neji for planning to leave him behind.

All was good... until they got back to Sasuke's bedroom.

xXx

Neji quickly found out about the jutsu. Luckily, he knew how to thwart Sasuke's efforts. All it took was a henge and-

"ITACHI! YOU BASTARD!"

... and Sasuke was trying to kill him. Hm. Maybe not the most thought out plan in the world. Neji escaped view and changed the henge a bit. "OMG! Kishimoto-sensei!" Sasuke screamed from behind him.

Neji barely avoided the glomp. "What the hell is wrong with you!" he demanded, staring at the loon that was drooling as he stared back from where he'd face-planted on the floor.

"Oh," Sasuke said, climbing to his feet and wiping the drool away. "It's you, Neji."

Damn, he'd dropped the henge in his bafflement. "... Are you on crack?" he demanded, backing up.

Sasuke lunged. Neji 'gentle fist'ed his face... not so gently. "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" he yelled. Then he turned and ran...

... into Sasuke.

"GAH!" He spun, only to be facing Sasuke. "SHIT! YOU'RE EVERYWHERE!"

Sasuke struck a pose. "It's the Super Sasuke Shadow Clone Genjutsu 2010. Only I am capable of doing it, 'cause Kishimoto-sensei loves me."

"He does not!" Neji refuted, annoyed. A tic began to pulse in his eyelid, distractingly.

"Does too!" Sasuke argued, pouting.

Neji shuddered. "Just... get the hell away from me!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Let's make babies!"

"HOLY SHIT! NO- NOOOOO!"

xXx

**Oh please, Neji... you totally wanna have his kid. XD Yes, I'm leaving you on a cliffy. *sits back to watch the chaos and neglects to mention certain details***


	8. Coffee and Butter

**Coffee and Butter**  
**Characters: Naruto, Sasuke, Neji**  
**Description: More insanity. Plus butter. And... wait, is Neji gay?**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warning: There is use of food here, and not for consumption. Unless you're talking about something else... suffice it to say that this contains more depraved ranting from your's truly.**  
**Disclaimer: Yeah, Ralph? He's dead. Dead Ralph. So now I don't own him, just like I don't own Naruto or it's characters.**  
**Dedication: Azhwi, for kicking me into writing gear.**

Sasuke was singing. This wasn't so unusual recently, but it was a very... strange song. It consisted of one word, and one word only.

"Ccooooffeee, coffee, cooooffeee~"

Over and over again. Naruto glanced at his fellow prisoner (they were both tied to chairs in the kitchen). Neji was shifting a fork around on the table, with his nose, trying to prop it up against his juice glass. The blond watched with interest for a time before leaning over and catching the Byakugan user's attention.

"What are you doing?"

Sasuke, at the sink, didn't seem to hear him and continued singing his one-word song. He appeared to be making coffee.

Neji glared at him. "It's complicated," he said after a beat in which Naruto did not back down.

Sasuke added a word to his song. "Cooooffeee coooffeee, gooooddd coooffeee..."

"Try me," Naruto replied. It was probably a lot less annoying than Sasuke's singing.

"I'm going to stab out my eyes and bleed myself to death," Neji said, very calmly, without a single change of expression.

"Oh." Pause. "Any chance you can kill me too?"

"No."

"Bastard."

"Hmph." And Neji went back to what he'd been doing.

Sasuke added a third and fourth word to his song. At least there was variety. "Ccooooffeee, goooddd cooofeeee, niiiiceee coffee... taassttyyy cooffeee..."

Neji had figured out how to prop the fork up, but there was a problem. The juice glass was in the way. On the one hand, he could try anyway, and the glass would either stop his head's descent or add more injuries than he'd originally counted on. On the other... he might miss.

Thankfully, it was at that point that Sasuke turned around, holding a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and a spoon in the other. He smiled. "That's not good, you could poke your eye out!" he said, and set down the coffee cup and spoon to remove the fork from it's perch.

Neji hissed at him. "That was the point," he sneered.

Sasuke clucked his tongue. "Now, now. We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"Yes, yes we would."

Meanwhile, Naruto was slowly, carefully tiptoeing from the room. He was tied to a chair yes, but his feet were on the floor, and that's all he needed. Out the door he went, leaving Neji to his own demise. Halfway down the hall- ahh, there was an open door. He scuttled through it, then quickly got rid of the chair and made like a spider on the ceiling.

Back in the kitchen...

Sasuke, who was slowly and methodically buttering Neji's cock like a tasty piece of bread, paused. "Oh, Naruto's not here," he said thoughtfully. "He's a slippery one."

"Traitor," Neji hissed, squirming away (there was no way in hell he'd admit that that had felt even slightly good).

Sasuke didn't appear to hear him, instead cocking his head to the side. "Oh dear... Where could he have gone...?" He turned a wolfish grin on Neji. "I should clean you off and go look for him," he decided, and leaned down to methodically lick away the butter.

Neji groaned, cursing the day Naruto was born.

Naruto clung to the ceiling, crawling along in search of an exit or a way to break this damn jutsu. So far, Sasuke hadn't come looking for him. He wasn't sure if this was a _good_ thing... or a very bad thing.

He _almost_ felt bad for Neji. Almost. Traitor bastard. Still, it was survival of the fittest, and Naruto was certainly the fittest. Or at least, his chakra reserves were larger. Among other things...

"_Naaaarruuuuttooooo_."

"Oh shit."

"BIIINGGOOOO! Get 'im, Neji!"

Naruto was then being dragged from the ceiling by Neji, quite against his will, and immobilized by a simple jutsu. SIMPLE! He was so dog tired that-

(Please wait one moment while the authoress walks upstairs to laugh with her sister for this upcoming crack)

-that he was running low on chakra. And Sasuke wouldn't let him sleep, either!

"Of course not," Sasuke said.

Naruto gaped at his former best friend. "You can read minds?"

"Oh, heavens, yes," Sasuke said, smiling strangely. "Kishimoto-"

"We know, we know," Naruto and Neji chorused, disgusted.

Then Neji blanched, and Sasuke cackled. "Yeah, I totally knew that too. See? I told you that you guys would love it."

"'Guys'?" Naruto looked between Neji and Sasuke. Then back, and back. And- "Oh my god, Neji's gay?" he blurted, looking at Neji like the Hyuuga had just slaughtered his puppy. What was the world coming to?

Neji straightened, eyes wide. "No!" he protested. "I am NOT gay!"

Sasuke gave a little sigh. "You're so sexy when you're hurt," he said to Naruto.

Naruto ignored him, feeling more betrayed than ever. "Prove it!" he said. With Neji at his side (even if he was an obsessive, abusive, semi-psychotic, OCD traitor)(or so says the authoress, but she's hyped up on half a can or more oh gods definitely more of energy drink coffee stuff... oh, digressing), he'd been able to take the sexual abuse from their captor. Now... now... well, it would get harder. Literally.

It _would_ get harder- oh, bad thoughts.

Sasuke, ignoring Naruto's and the authoress's interruptions to the main plot line (not, of course, that there was much of a plot line to speak of, but we'll ignore this for now), took this opportunity to grin evilly and reach out to the thoroughly naked Neji, giving his cock a little stroke. "Oh, yes. _Prove_ it," he purred suggestively. Which was going a little far, since they were naked sex slaves and all, but okay, we'll go with it. … go... hehe...

(*Gaara comes in, smacks the authoress upside the head for her continuous interruptions, and stalks back out* Oops)

Neji gulped, staring into Naruto's face. Naruto's lip was trembling. Sasuke's lips were encircling his cock. It was going to be a very long day.

xXx

**Yeah. I totally left you on a cliffie last time... and am totally not picking it up from right there. XDDD Kudos to azhwi for being as insane (or close) as I am, and helping me come up with this bullshit. XDD Love ya az!** **So... R&R!**


	9. Letters, Love, Sex, and Mud Wrestling

**Letters, Love, Sex... and Mud Wrestling**  
**Characters: Sasuke, Naruto, Neji, Gaara, Itachi, Kisame**  
**Description: Sasuke lets his toys write letters to their loved ones... among other things.**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warning: There's a bonus scene in this one...**  
**Disclaimer: In the words of someone very important (that I can't seem to remember the face or name of), "IT'S NOT MINE, BITCH!"**  
**Dedication: Az. She's as looney as I am.**

Sasuke had been thinking. His toys weren't very happy - despite the copious amounts of sex he let them enjoy - and he wanted to do something that would make them happy (aside from letting them go, but then, that didn't even cross his mind)(that pervert)(nutcase)(cr- *authoress is bashed upside the head, this time by Shikamaru* … fine, fine). After some thought - during which, he let the exhausted pair snooze a little (on his bed)(where he'd just fucked them hard - Sasuke came up with a solution and got some paper.

Then he woke them up, much to their displeasure, and gave them the paper and writing utensils (crayons). Naruto chose orange, Neji chose red. Sasuke explained. "I'm going to be a nice person and let you write a letter home!" Well, sort of explained.

So he left them to their own devices. Twenty minutes later, he snatched up Naruto's letter and read it.

Out loud.

"_Dear Sakura-chan_ (crossed out) _Hi sensei, oh how I miss you. … you've gotta help me. I've been captured by a psychotic, drugged up Sasuke and he's constantly having his wicked way with me_ - well, if you want wicked... - _and oh my gods I think I'm going to die!_ - as if I'd let that happen; then who would have raunchy bondage sex with me? - _Please! Save me! I'm begging you!_ Why don't you ever beg me?" Sasuke leered at the blond. "_Ps: I was going to write to Sakura-chan, but I think she might try to join me._ - I think I'll gag now - _She's still scary like that._" He rolled his eyes and put a new paper in front of Naruto. "Next time, try it without the pleading for help."

Naruto pouted.

Sasuke turned to Neji, who was patiently awaiting Sasuke. Sasuke quirked a brow and picked up the paper. The note was simple. It was written in the red crayon - somehow, Neji had made it look eerily similar to blood - declaring, '_I, Hyuuga Neji, leave every single one of my belongings to Hyuuga Hinabi on one condition. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE_.'

Sasuke snorted and handed it back, along with a new piece of paper. "Try again."

He moved back over to the side of the room, eying his own project. It was a sign, like those ones you see hanging outside of doors in hotels, that say something along the lines of 'busy' or 'occupied'. This one said 'Sasuke is _busy_. You _may_ be interrupting'. He'd been wondering if he should add to it or just leave it as is.

Behind him, Neji and Naruto were conferring. "Wasn't there some sort of death sentence about papercuts?" Naruto asked.

"You mean 'death of a thousand cuts'?" Neji replied.

"Yeah, that."

"No."

"..." Naruto gave Neji an annoyed look. "You're such an ass."

Neji sneered. "Shut up. What's your point, Uzumaki?"

Naruto snuck a look in Sasuke's direction, then said, "We could try it. It would probably be the first time it was 'suicide of a thousand cuts'."

Neji considered that for a moment, eying the paper in front of him. "It would take too long," he decided. "Sasuke would stop us long before it became lethal, and then it would just hurt. He might even get out lemon juice or something, which isn't what I want to feel."

Naruto pouted but decided that Neji was probably right (as usual, the bastard). "Well, what else is there?"

"You could bite your tongues," Sasuke offered from across the room, fussing with something that seemed almost like a piece of cardboard.

They paused and looked at each other. "Oh." Then they turned to Sasuke, and Naruto narrowed his eyes at him. "You're a dick."

"I have one. Wanna see?" Sasuke responded, tossing a leer over his shoulder. "I've got toys too."

"Urg..."

xXx

It is at this point that the authoress has decided we need a change of scenery, for things are getting a bit stale. So, after much negotiating, she has convinced Gaara to enter this fic. Poor, poor Gaara...

Hee... eheheheheh...

Gaara was just minding his own business, walking along the streets of Suna, greeting the citizens. It was some time in the afternoon, maybe about three. There was a strange old lady that came up to him and offered him a basket of goodies. She was strange in that he didn't remember seeing her around, but he couldn't honestly be expected to remember the faces of every single person that passed through the city - especially since he didn't generally deal with them.

At any rate, he graciously accepted the basket and went on about his day. Later that night, he tested the goodies for poison (there was none) and unwrapped a piece of chocolate. He popped it in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

He picked up his pen, humming to himself, and started to do his paper...work...

Two minutes later and he was snoring away on his desk. The old lady stepped out of the shadows, deposited Neji on the desk, and nabbed the Kazekage.

The next morning, Temari would find the Hyuuga there and beat the tar out of him trying to figure out where her precious brother was, but that's another story entirely.

xXx

Now, we're going to detour from plot-ish-ness, because I believe I owe, and have promised, azhwi a mud wrestling scene. (Say hi, az!

azhwi: Hullo! Oh god oh god oh god... can I use my video camera?

Sure, why not. Now... onto that scene...)

It was somewhere in the middle of a forest, somewhere in Ame, somewhere very wet and muddy. Itachi and Kisame were having a disagreement, and like most couple-er, I mean _partners_, yeah... like most partners (that were nin. ...and ridiculously overpowered... and horny)(Okay, forget horny, that's just me...), they had to come up with a way to settle said disagreement without... well, killing each other.

So, they'd found a nice clearing (that happened to be very, very wet), and got rid of all their weapons and pointy armor. Then they started wrestling. It was a nice way to burn energy - that didn't involve things that people in a working environment weren't supposed to get involved in - and far preferable to beating each other bloody.

Of course, wrestling with Kisame was like wrestling with a big, blue, bipedal bear (say that five times fast), with very sharp teeth and gills (basically, a walking shark), but luckily for Itachi, Kisame was very polite when he was wrestling with the Uchiha. Or at least as polite as Kisame could get.

The problem with wrestling in a muddy clearing was that one tended to trip, especially since they never used their chakra for these wrestling matches. It was one of the rules. So, within minutes, both nukenin were covered in mud, grass and clothing plastered to their skin. Neither seemed to notice. Currently, Kisame had Itachi in a headlock, Itachi had a handful of blue hair clasped in his hand (that he had reached behind him) and both had hardons. Not that this is the important to notice for anything other than fanservice.

Kisame grunted. "You fight like a girl," he muttered.

"You fight like a bear," Itachi retorted, and dropped to his knees, using the momentum to throw his partner over his shoulder. Kisame landed with a satisfying splatty thud (or thuddy splat?) in the muddy grass. He grunted, the air whooshing out of his lungs. Itachi wasted no time in grabbing the bigger nin's arms and pinning them against Kisame's back, straddling his waist. "Surrender."

Kisame snorted. "Wouldn't you like that. No way Itachi," he said, and heaved his heavier body to the side, sending them rolling. He quickly escaped his partner's grasp and grabbed his ankle as Itachi tried to scramble to his feet.

Itachi swore, even as he face planted in the mud again. "Damn."

xXx

And that's enough of that for now. Back to whatever it is Sasuke's up to. Errr... I mean the old lady. Yeah.

Sasuke, as seems to happen with some people, had gotten bored of Neji. That, and Neji was a bad influence on his Naruto. Naruto had almost accepted him before Neji showed up! Now he was all suicidal and shit... So, as such, he decided that Neji had to _go_, had wiped his memory (with his super awesome Sasuke-sue powers) and dropped him off in Suna. He would have no clue where he'd been when he woke in the morning.

Now Sasuke had Gaara. Gaara was sleeping like a cute little baby, too. Aww, so cute... Sasuke couldn't _wait_ till Naruto woke up...

xXx

**Yeah! … so this was insane, mostly. Running on Starbucks doubleshots, no sleep and... azhwi. Her fault entirely. Anyway, it's starting to look like anything is possible in this twisted world of mine, so you shouldn't be surprised by the appearance of Itachi and Kisame. I'm thinking things may broaden out a little, and get crazier. Probably. Maybe. Or I'll write a spinoff fic.**

**Either/or.**


	10. Aphrodesiac

**Aphrodisiac  
Characters: Sasuke, Naruto, Gaara, mentions of others  
Description: More silliness, and plenty more smut.  
Rating: M  
Warning: Smut. Insanity. You know the drill.  
Disclaimer: STILL not mine. And it won't be next time either.**

"Gaara..." Naruto wept.

"Naruto..." Gaara grabbed his friend's hands.

"_Gaara_..." Naruto sniffled.

"_Naruto_..." Gaara gently pulled the other male to his feet.

"Yes...?" Naruto tugged one hand free and wiped at the tears on his cheek.

Gaara took in a long, deep breath. "We need to escape."

The blond nodded, sounding happy even as he sobbed. "Oh, Gaara. I never thought I'd see you again... dattebayo..."

Gaara would have hugged Naruto, but Naruto was naked, and that would be weird. So instead, he patted Naruto's shoulder gently. "It's okay. We'll figure out something."

The door of the room slid open, revealing a beaming Sasuke. "Oooh, I see you've found your present, Naruto! Doesn't this make you _happy_?"

Gaara surveyed the Uchiha with narrowed eyes. "He's on drugs. Either that, or Orochimaru warped him beyond repair," he commented, as if Sasuke wasn't actually there.

Naruto let out a sob, and nodded. "Yeah..."

Sasuke twitched. He knew there was a reason he hated this sand bastard...

Meanwhile, Gaara had continued. "What has he done to you? You seem different."

Naruto wailed. "You don't wanna know!"

"Yes, I do," Gaara said firmly. How else would he be able to help the blond?

Behind him, Sasuke giggled. Gaara paused, and turned to look at the Uchiha. Sasuke was holding ketchup. "You wanna know? How about I show you?" the crazy man said, and giggled again.

xXx

There was something to be said for Sand shinobi. That is to say, they didn't tend to bend over and take it. Ever. Especially recovering psychotics. Especially the Kazekage. Especially-

"Yeah, we get it, shut up," Gaara muttered.

Sasuke, holding his bottle of ketchup, paused. "Who are you talking to?"

"The narrator. You know, Lost?" Gaara said, blinking in surprise.

"Narrator? But... but there's only Kishimoto-sensei!" the Uchiha protested.

"What world do you live in?" Gaara said, and snorted. "I can't believe you don't know about the narrator. I thought all nutcases knew about her. You know, she's short, stalkerish, kinda creepy, has a strange fixation on bondage?"

Sasuke blinked. "Oh, I thought she was just the peanut gallery."

Hey! That's not nice.

Gaara shrugged. "Same thing, really." He coughed. "Anyway, you were trying to get to a point, I believe, Miss Author."

Ahem. Yes. I was. Thanks. Anyway...

This, of course, means they don't take it up the ass (except from Shikamaru)-

Gaara scowled. "Oi!"

Oh, sorry. You know how I am... Well, back to the point.

-even from the main character of the storyline. No matter _what_ the author wants. No, generally, Sand shinobi are the ones bending people over.

_However_, (since this authoress is a sadist and Gaara is mean to her...) 'Sand shinobi' had never been in such a situation where Sasuke was concerned. And frankly, Sasuke cheats.

Gaara suddenly stiffened, and sniffed the air lightly. "What's that smell? It's... sweet. Like... honey..."

Naruto had a very bright flush on his face, and was swaying on his feet. He giggled, and smiled slightly. At some point, Sasuke had procured a gas mask. Not that he needed it, since he was Sasuke.

The Uchiha had to concede to this point and removed the mask, tossing it over his shoulder, then smiled at his... _guests_. "That smell, as you state, is an aphrodisiac mixed with a mild sedative. Not enough to knock a full grown man out, but enough to make him... malleable." He giggled and stepped forward, poking Gaara's chest with a finger.

Gaara hesitated, as if trying to think through the fog in his mind, and then fell backwards onto the bed. Naruto, realizing what was going on, sat down before Sasuke did the same to him.

(*the authoress clears her throat* Sasuke, that is _not_ the correct use of that word. Just so you know.)

And as he has been doing, the drugged up Uchiha completely ignored the peanut gallery and went about his business. Mostly, strapping Gaara to the bed. He turned to look at Naruto, then decided that tying him down wasn't necessary. Instead, he pointed. "Narruuuttoo? Do me a favor?"

Naruto blinked a few times, trying (and failing) to focus on the black haired sex god in front of him. Hm... sex... Sasuke... Sexke... Naruto giggled. "Yes, Sexke?" He giggled again and smiled slightly.

Sasuke blinked. "Well, it would seem you're more sensitive to the stuff than Gaara. He's just sitting there staring at the rope on his wrists..." He looked at the redhead, who was indeed staring at the rope on his wrists.

In fact, he was currently wondering why there was rope on his wrists, and where his pants had gone. He was pretty sure he'd been wearing pants a minute ago, though he couldn't focus long enough to accurately recall...

"Sex_gay_!" Naruto cried suddenly. "Yes. That's it. … dattebayo."

Sasuke looked back at Naruto. "... let's not mess with my name like that," he said gently, and kissed the blond. To his delight, Naruto kissed him back. In fact, he dragged the Uchiha closer with a soft moan and demanded more.

Briefly, Sasuke wondered why he hadn't thought of using this stuff sooner. Then he climbed into Naruto's lap and dragged his mouth from his. Naruto whined softly, then sucked in a sharp breath when Sasuke began to nibble on his throat. Gently, the Uchiha nudged Naruto over, laying him out on the bed.

"I have rope on my wrists," Gaara announced. "It is uncomfortable. Remove it."

"Shut up," Naruto groaned, then realized something. Wasn't he just trying to get _away_ from Sasuke? This wasn't right. This was all wrong!

(*the authoress coughs and mops at her bloody nose, then nods* That's right, Naruto! Or rather, wrong... wait... whose side am I on?)

"Sasuke," Naruto panted, shoving at the Uchiha's shoulders. "Sasuke, stop. This isn't- nng... oh, gods, yes..." He drew in a sharp breath as Sasuke reached his left nipple. "No... wrong, all wrong," he mumbled, but oh dear gods if felt _so right_...

Meanwhile, with Gaara...

Gaara was watching. Avidly. With much interest. (boy, isn't that redundant) He'd never seen two men in this sort of position before. Two women? Sure. There was that hooker bar Kankuro dragged him to once a month, with the excuse that he needed to be more social (and get laid).

((All the way over in Suna, Kankuro, in the middle of searching the city for his brother, sneezed violently))

But he'd never seen this with two men. It was interesting, and he sort of wondered what went where (was there a hole, that sorta thing). Then he found out, and watched with wide eyes as Naruto arched, Sasuke's cock shoved up his ass, and groaned in ecstacy. Oh dear... that looked painful.

xXx

**And I think I'm done for a while... Just a warning.**


	11. Relish Love

**Relish Love**  
**Characters: Sasuke, Naruto, Gaara, Itachi, Kisame, Pein, Konan, mentions of others**  
**Description: This took vore to a whole new level.**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warning: References to vore, oral, boysmut, crack, the usual insanity.**  
**Disclaimer: Not mine. I do own some coffee. I'm on a lot of it atm. Beware insanity.**

xXx

When Naruto woke up, he was a lot less high on the laughing gas, and so he noticed what was wrong much more quickly. For one, he had memory flashes of hot, dirty sex with  
Sasuke, and for another... That was Gaara, and Sasuke, and relish. All over Gaara's cock.

Which Sasuke was sucking off. Eagerly.

Gaara panted, arching up into the feeling. "I think I'll have to kill you, but later," he said in between pants. "This feels too... good, for now."

Sasuke smirked, his tongue flicking out and dragging slowly along the underside of Gaara's cock. He glanced at Naruto and paused. "Jealous? You can join in, if you want," he drawled.

"I don't wanna join in!" Naruto protested, scowling, but eyed the relish. He did like relish.

Sasuke caught the glance and immediately knew what was on Naruto's mind (since he's a Sue and all). He grinned and grabbed up the bottle before stretching out on the bed. Slowly, teasingly, he poured it along his side, skin twitching at the cool feeling. Naruto swallowed, cock perking with interest. That... actually looked kind of yummy.

Really good, actually. And there Sasuke went, tongue running along the edge of the relish jar, scooping up some lingering relish. Naruto moved before he knew it, leaning across the other male and kissing him. His tongue darted inside Sasuke's mouth without any hindrance what-so-ever, sliding over the silky muscle to taste the relish in the back of Sasuke's mouth.

Sasuke moaned softly, and the noise shot right to Naruto's groin. That was... oooohhhh. Naruto shoved the Uchiha back on the bed, kissing, licking, nipping down his jaw, his throat and onto the relish on his chest. He lapped at it, and when he passed over a nipple, he took it up into his mouth. His teeth trapped it in place, pressing gently, and his tongue flicked over it. Sasuke arched up into him.

He went back to licking up the relish, caught the other nipple for a beat, then moved steadily downward. By the time he got to Sasuke's cock, the relish had been successfully cleaned from the Uchiha's body and was gone, but Naruto hardly noticed. He was in the zone, focused on making Sasuke squirm. It was about time the Uchiha let _him_ do the fucking (he had no idea that this had been the general idea to begin with). He should get a chance to be the one on top! The top dog, as it were (and no, this wasn't a pun on the kyuubi's canine lineage).

Suddenly, a set of hands skimmed his sides, and he looked over his shoulder to find the redhead suddenly up and untied (when did that happen?) He pressed a kiss to Naruto's hipbone, then licked down his ass and then his thigh. He smirked up at Naruto. "I think... I want to try," he said decisively, and crawled up the blond.

Naruto hesitated, but at an irritated groan from Sasuke was all it took to get him back to work. With a sigh, Naruto gave in and relaxed. He leaned down and continued his ministrations to Sasuke's cock, tongue spelling out figurative letters on the Uchiha's sensitive flesh.

Gaara was uncapping the relish again, and Naruto was starting to wonder what he was doing when the redhead got a handful an started rubbing it on his own cock. Naruto groaned, fully aroused, at the sight.

Sasuke, panting, arched a brow at the Kazekage. "I have oil in the drawer," he said, pointing toward a bedside table that Naruto couldn't remember being there a moment ago.

"Naruto likes relish," Gaara replied, sticking a relish-covered finger up the blond's ass. "A lot."

The Uzumaki groaned in answer. He rested his weight entirely on one hand and reached up to stroke his length with the other. Gaara slapped his hand away. "Behave and make Sasuke scream," he chided.

"But Gaaaraaa," Naruto protested.

"Now."

The blond sullenly took Sasuke deep into his mouth and almost choked. He batted back the instinctive reaction and swallowed against the head of Sasuke's cock. The Uchiha whimpered, and Gaara thrust a finger into the blond.

Sasuke jerked the blond up into a kiss, ignoring Gaara's annoyed look. Naruto moaned at the combined sensations, then nearly screamed when Gaara decided he didn't want to wait anymore and thrust into him.

… and now we'll take a little time to visit the Akatsuki headquarters...

(The authoress would like to note that any vegetables thrown at her will be eaten with much thanks... she's on a diet anyway.)

Pein stared down in intense irritation at the two full grown men sitting on his _white leather sofa_ getting it _muddy_ because they saw fit to haveadamnmudwrestling matchlikefuckingfiveyearolds! Konan patted his shoulder and offered him a cold Root Beer (he was not allowed any alcohol, since it was bad for his present body, so this was as close as he could get).

He accepted it gladly and took a sip, burped and then glowered at the two some more. Kisame was trying and failing to smother a grin, and occasionally prodding Itachi in the shoulder, though his behavior went largely ignored by the recipient. Instead, Itachi was slowly and methodically cleaning a kunai, and occasionally giving it a creepy loving stroke. Pein didn't want to know.

"_What_," Pein said finally, "Is this?"

"We were mud wrestling," Itachi intoned blankly, finally deigning to swat Kisame's hand away from his arm. "We were bored." Pause. "What should we have done? Fuck?"

"It would have been cleaner," Pein replied irritably.

Itachi quirked a brow at him and stared for a beat. Then he looked away disdainfully with a muttered, "_Ew_."

Konan snorted, but didn't comment. Not that she needed to.

Pein sighed. "That's not really what I was asking anyway," he muttered, feeling like a kindergarten teacher (he didn't know that Konan generally had the same feeling, only it included him). "I meant, why are you sitting on my couch? Getting it muddy? With... mud? Kisame, stop poking Itachi."

Kisame managed to give him a half-convincing innocent look, though the effect was basically ruined by the sharp teeth displayed when he smiled. "I wasn't poking him," he said matter-of-factly. "I was _prodding_ him. … maybe I should probe him?"

"Need I say it again?" Itachi asked, scowling at Kisame. "'Ew'."

Kisame grinned. "I should probe Hidan. He might like it."

"Go away," Itachi replied.

Kisame poked him. Itachi scowled. "Pein-san, Kisame is _still_ poking me," he said, and somehow managed to say it like he was just pointing out a fact rather than tattling.

Pein sighed. "I see that," he replied. "Kisame, do I _need_ to lock you in your room?"

"Best not," Konan interjected. "He'll destroy the door again, and we can't keep replacing it." A pause. "Kakuzu might try to slit your throat in your sleep this time."

Pein gave her a sulky glare, but when it didn't seem to have any effect, relented. "Eh, you're probably right," he muttered, and crossed his arms. "Both of you get out of my office. And send in Deidara. He has punishment duty racked up; he'll clean the couch."

"You should probably put plastic on it afterward," Itachi informed him, getting up. "Or before. Deidara's easily distracted. I believe Sasori-san called it 'ooh shiney!' syndrome."

As the two partners walked out the door of his office, Pein facepalmed and debated taking up weed.

(The authoress does not in any way condone the use of illegal products, so if you're a dumbass and go 'ooh, I should try it', I am not liable for any stupidity that thus ensues.)

xXx

And back to the rabbit hole. Aka, Sasuke's hideout. Aka... where the fuck are they and is that Jiraiya? Ohhh, look! A crash and some smoke from the kitchen! Let us ignore this suspicious Jiraiya-esque person peering in the window and go see what's up over there.

'What's up' is in fact an argument between Sasuke-sue and... Kyuubi? And why is Gaara wearing a fedora? … I guess we'll just have to find out next time! Ohhh, yeah, so doing that.

xXx

**Next time on Kiss Me, will we find out why Gaara is wearing a fedora? Will Sasuke be able to subdue the Kyuubi? Will Naruto ever escape? Will the authoress ever shut up? (No) See ya! **** R&R!**


	12. Gaara, Not Sherlock

**Gaara, Not Sherlock**  
**Characters: Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara**  
**Description: He's searching for answers, finding the truths, and trusting nothing but his own results... He is Gaara, the Detective!**  
**Dedication: Azhwi, for being awesome (I totally ripped that descrip off from her, but she doesn't seem to mind)**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warning: Crack, possible smut, probable OOC, definite insanity. Do not think you'll read this and walk away with a good impression. Or entirely sane.**  
**Disclaimer: This story is the workings of my own rabid imagination, azhwi's influential presence, and... the fedora's existence. But the characters and manga slash anime are not mine. … plot is, though, so help you.**

xXx

Gaara, after a morning of surprisingly satisfying boysmut, was now curious. He knew Naruto liked relish, and that Sasuke seemed to have a fondness for ketchup (and anything else that had anything remotely to do with tomatoes). However, he did not know how far Naruto's like for the shredded pickles went.

It was a mystery. So, what is any (sort of) sane Kazekage to do but search for the answers. So, naturally, he ditched Sasuke (unknowingly pissing Naruto off in the process) and went in search of Tools(™).

These Tools(™) could not be just any tools. They had to be Cool(™), and Comfortable(™), and Stylish(™). But mostly Cool(™).

(Gaara walks up and whispers into the authoress' ear, then leaves).

Ahem. Apparently the (™) is getting excessive, so I should stop. Anyway...

So he went in search of these tools. He found a magnifying glass, the aforementioned fedora (Oh my god, Gaara in a fedora...) and a pair of tweezers in Sasuke's closet... why does he have a fedora? Nevermind, we probably don't want to know. And then he went off on a _real_ search, and not for items (he also apparently forgot that he was wandering around naked) (OH MY GOD. Naked Gaara in a fedora!).

He was searching for answers, finding out truths, and trusting nothing but his own results. The burning question on his mind? Which relish does Naruto love best? Only Time(™) would tell (ow, fine! No more (™) sheesh!)

"Waaaitt, wait," Jiraiya spoke up from outside the window. Gaara did not appear to hear him. In fact, there was the sound of a record suddenly screeching to a stop, and everything but Jiraiya froze. In one hand, he held a brush covered with ink, in the other a book open to about the middle. One and a half pages were full, but half a blank page remained.

The Sannin cleared his throat. "Wait a minute," he repeated. "Isn't a fedora a pimp thing? I mean, doesn't Sherlock Holmes wear a _deerstalker_?"

Gaara came out and scowled at Jiraiya (who suddenly started writing frantically, grinning eagerly at Gaara's state of undress). "I'm Gaara, not Sherlock," the redhead stated irately. "And fedoras are _cooler_ than deerstalkers. Deerstalkers look _gay_."

"You are gay," Jiraiya pointed out reasonably. "I mean, you just spent nearly three hours having sex with not one, but _two_ rather masculine guys. If that's not gay, I don't know what is." He dipped his inkbrush in an inkwell smartly and continued writing.

Gaara scowled even more. "That doesn't count. That was _experimentation_. I'm a teenage boy."

"Usually, teenage boys don't experiment with other teenage boys," Jiraiya responded, and he seemed to have a come-back for everything. I guess that happened when you were an old pervert. "I am _not_ old, by the way! Do I _look_ old?"

"Yes," Gaara replied, smirking. "Ancient." He crossed his arms. "And anyway, yes they do! It's perfectly normal!"

"For _girls_, yes," Jiraiya said, quirking a brow at the Kazekage. "Not for boys. The testosterone tends to get in the way."

… and the authoress just seemed to notice that Jiraiya did _not_ deny being a pervert.

"Because I am a pervert, and we all know it, and are consenting adults-" he glanced at Gaara, "I think. So why bother denying it?"

Point. Gaara scowled (You should have that copyrighted, buddy). "I'm eighteen. So yes, I'm a consenting adult. In Japan and America. Idiots."

"Anyway, we should get back to the story, now that we've got this all cleared up," Jiraiya suggested. "Oh, and forget I'm here. Or at least have the decency to be shocked at my appearance later."

...anyway...

So where were we? Oh yes, Gaara is on a mission. A mission to find Naruto's secret relish preference! But the question on _my_ mind is... what have Sasuke and Naruto been doing this whole time?

Let's go see, while Gaara goes to collect relish samples. Mmm... kitchen's empty... no one in the foyer... bedrooms are deserted- AHA! They're in the shower. Awww, Sasuke's giving Naruto head. How cute.

Or something like that.

"S-Sasuke," Naruto panted, holding onto a ledge in the shower for dear life. "I... c-can't... ohh..." He rolled his hips, prompting a smirk from one very, very smug Uchiha.

"Don't speak, Naruto. I'm busy sucking you off. All I want to hear is your sweet moans of pleasure," Sasuke pointed out with a leer.

… okaaayyy, then. What about his brother?

In a completely different area, even with a different authoress (What the heck is going on here? The consistency! The storyline!)(It's KM. Bite me.), Kisame and Itachi are still cleaning mud off themselves.

Deidara had complained, but after a dead flat stare from Itachi and a looming leer from Kisame, the blond had yelped and scurried for Pein's office.

Leaning back on his bed, Kisame considered the ceiling. Black. He slid his gaze to the right wall. Black. The floor. Black. He quirked an eyebrow. Colour. That's what he needed. Red preferably.

"Neh, Itachi!"

Across the room, the Uchiha ignored him. The genius was still cleaning the same goddamn kunai.

"Hoy! Look up from your anal probe for a second."

Itachi continued to polish. And rub. And admire.

Fucking _tease_. "I swear, I'll coat it in hot sauce when your back is turned." That got a reaction.

Twin pinwheels of tomoe spun and Itachi pinned him to the bed, flaring and whirling. "That was _you_?"

Blueboy grinned and sucked in a breath through constricted airways. Shit, the adrenaline rush was always a kicker with this guy. "Not me," he replied and it was the truth. He hadn't. Technically.

Ever so slowly, ever so grudgingly, the pressure from Itachi eased off. Partners didn't lie to each other. _We can't_, Kisame grinned at the other man, _we know each other too well_. So well, that high and mighty Itachi knew what reactions those tomoe incited.

Barking out a laugh, the blue ninja eyed his crotch and smirked. "Shi-it man, hold that on me any longer and I swear, my balls wouldn't be so blue."

Itachi sniffed. And turned back to the anal - er, kunai. The sharp end.

Kisame rolled his eyes. He wanted to play? The big ninja rose up off his futon. _We'll play._

Whooo... Damn, Az, when I said I wanted an insert, I wasn't thinking of THAT! … not that I'm complaining. Annnnyyyway...

Back to Gaara.

… who is missing. Dammit, where'd he go?

Gaara, in fact, was in the kitchen, going through Sasuke's impressive stock of relish. "Did he plan on using it as sex lubricant?" the redhead mumbled to himself.

"Why yes, I did," Sasuke purred from the doorway, eying Gaara like the redhead was his next meal.

Gaara hummed, unconcerned with the whack job's sudden presence. He flicked the fingers of one hand dismissively at Sasuke and then went back to rifling through the relish jars. "Okay, one mystery solved," he said to himself.

Sasuke stalked catlike into the room, licking his lips. "Which do you prefer? Mayonaise or mustard?"

xXx

**TBC**

**That's right, I'm leaving you on a cliffy. I'm evil that way. To be able to read that entire KisaxIta scene, go here: fanfiction. net/ s /7104040/**

**Just remove the spaces. XD**


	13. The Failed Rescue

**The Failed Rescue**  
**Characters: Sasuke, Gaara, Sakura, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Itachi, Deidara, Tobi, mentions of others.**  
**Description: Konoha and Suna to the rescue! But you're dealing with Sasuke-Sue here, dears.**  
**Dedication: AZHWI! IIII LOOOOVEEE YOUUUU**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warning: Crack, PLOT (OH NO!) ooc**  
**Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately. But I can claim that I am very insane.**

Last time, on Kiss Me...

_Gaara was in the kitchen, going through Sasuke's impressive stock of relish. "Did he plan on using it as sex lubricant?" the redhead mumbled to himself._

_"Why yes, I did," Sasuke purred from the doorway, eying Gaara like the redhead was his next meal._

_Gaara hummed, unconcerned with the whack job's sudden presence. He flicked the fingers of one hand dismissively at Sasuke and then went back to rifling through the relish jars. "Okay, one mystery solved," he said to himself._

_Sasuke stalked catlike into the room, licking his lips. "Which do you prefer? Mayonnaise or mustard?"_

xXx

_And now..._

Gaara was about to reply, to shoot the Uchiha down, to dismiss him completely, but suddenly the room started to shake. A deep rumble began in the earth beneath them. Glasses shattered as they fell to the floor from the shelves. Naruto came screaming into the room, fretting about earthquakes.

He appeared to have found his clothing. Which was fortunate, since Gaara had forgotten to look for some anyway. He grabbed the nearby frilly apron and put it on, looking toward the ceiling. Then he looked down.

A crack suddenly appeared and snaked through the kitchen (Sasuke side-stepped it with ease, while Naruto dove behind Gaara for protection)(...ttebayo). It widened slightly, and then millions upon millions of tiny black bugs began to pour through, clouding up the room and limiting visibility to basically zero.

Then something grabbed Gaara around the waist. At first he thought it was Naruto. But then he heard Naruto's yelp, and a voice was in his ear. "We're here to rescue you, Kazekage-sama. … and Naruto-kun." It was that one guy, the bug friend of Naruto's. What was his name again...? Oh, right, Shino.

And before he could protest (not that he was about to), he was pulled into the crack, which had gotten significantly larger in the past few moments. They seemed to fly through miles of stone before coming up out of the ground onto a grassy knoll in the dark. It appeared to be about midnight.

"Gaara...? Are you wearing...?"

His brother was three feet away.

"Yes."

"Oh..."

Sakura appeared out of the large fissure in the ground, cursing like a sailor. "That bastard!"

"W-where is N-Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked. She was also there. As was Temari. Who hadn't actually said anything yet, as she was too busy trying to scour her eyes with sand after seeing her baby brother in a frilly pink apron. With duckies. (See chapter 4) Where she got the sand is a question that is probably better left unanswered.

Sakura kicked the ground so hard that the crack closed (Shino glared, since some of his bugs were still in there, but as he was wearing sunglasses, no one noticed). "Stupid Sasuke must have gotten his wits back quicker than I counted on! He grabbed Naruto and vanished before I could leave. BASTARD!"

"S-Sakura-chan!" Hinata gasped.

Kiba huffed. "Damn that Uchiha prat. Do you have any idea where he went?"

Sakura shook her head. "No."

"So what will we do now?" Temari asked, looking faintly traumatized.

"_We_ are going home. _You_ guys can have fun dealing with your stupid nukenin," Kankuro said, and stalked off, dragging his bemused brother along.

Temari was only too happy to agree, and soon the Konoha make-shift rescue team was left alone on the hill.

Shino smiled. "I think I know where we can start..."

_Meanwhile_...

"Ow, ow, ow, ow! That hurts, you Uchiha bastard!" the blond yowled.

"Hm. Then perhaps you should be more careful when attacking enemy nin," the Uchiha replied, and plucked out another quill. Yes, quill. Specifically, a porcupine quill.

Deidara's latest fight had somehow managed to pit him against a guy that transformed into a giant porcupine. And the blond, shockingly, got his ass handed to him on a silver platter.

"OW! YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!"

"Someone say something about sadists?" Tobi asked, poking his head in the door. "Oooh, torturing sempai! Can I help?" He pulled a chainsaw out of nowhere.

Itachi gave him a flat look. "... no."

The masked man slumped in disappointment. "Aww." Then he shrugged and tossed the chainsaw over his shoulder. Hidan, who was passing by in the hallway behind him, was impaled and started screaming in pain. Tobi shut the door and ignored the muffled sounds of pain.

"What do you want, Tobi?" Itachi asked, biting back a smirk as he pulled out the last quill and Deidara yelped.

"Nooootthiiiinggg... but I saw your niichan nearby and thought I'd tell you! He's so adorable!" He giggled.

Itachi twitched. "Hm." He stood and walked out of the room without a word.

Tobi grinned evilly behind his mask. "I'll help you with your problem, sempai!"

Deidara gave him a suspicious look, but was unable to move (the quills also happened to have a mild paralysis agent coating them). "What problem?"

"You're missing your needles! I'll replace them for you!" Tobi giggled.

"Wh-what? No- no noooooo! ACCCKKK!"

**Aaah, the love between wanted S-Class criminals... *dreamy sigh* Sooo! I posted another one! Now you have to wait for the next, though. Read and reply!**


	14. Mental Health

**Mental Health  
Characters: NarutoxSasukexGaara, SakuraxItachi, Tsunade, mentions of others  
Description: We still don't know wtf is wrong with Sasuke, but now someone's doing something about it! Or are they?  
Warning: Crack, boyxboy, OOC, self-insertion? Sort of. Not really tho.  
Disclaimer: Uh... Naruto's not mine. But I have a bamboo plant named Nicholai!**

xXx

Somehow, some way, Naruto managed to escape Sasuke's grasp. This was likely due to Itachi's sudden appearance and Sasuke's subsequent obsessive howls of rage. The Uzumaki hadn't stuck around to find out who won the following fight.

Now, he was resting in a tree, trying to catch his breath as he looked around to find out which way Konoha was. If only he could get there before Sasuke showed up again...

The thought came too late, however, and Naruto was suddenly dragged out of the tree and thrown onto the ground. "Naruto! Good! You're here." Sasuke twitched, and grinned; he was covered in blood that probably wasn't his own. "So glad I found you."

"Wha- how!?" Naruto yelped, scrambling back like a crab.

The grin widened. "Tracker! Remember, back in chapter four? I shoved the pill and orange juice down your throat?"

Wide blue eyes blinked. "Uh..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "It was a tracker pill! Fufufu."

"Dude, you're insane." Not that this hadn't been obvious since... like, day one. "Stay away from me! I just want to go _home!_"

"But..." Sasuke blinked at him. "But I lo-" He clapped both hands over his mouth, looking horrified. _What was that!? I was __**not**__ about to just say that! WHAT WAS THAT!?_

("Hehehehehe.")

He paused and looked around suspiciously, while Naruto tried to sneak off since the Uchiha was distracted anyway. "You! You can't make me say that!"

Yes I can.

"No. No you can't!"

"Man, what the hell is your _problem_?" Naruto asked, successfully distracted from escape by Sasuke talking to himself.

The young Uchiha's eye twitched and he lunged with a scream at Naruto, who also screamed. "MINE!"

Ahem. Because I don't feel like writing the following smut-in-the-forest scene, I-

"YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME!" Sasuke screamed, chidori cackling along his body.

…

Okay, so this needs to be taken care of. Sasuke is clearly in need of the psych ward. Congratulations, Naruto. I'm putting him away.

Of course, you can't hear me, but meh.

**SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE!**

"-and then he just started screaming about leaving, and so I knocked him out and dragged him back here," Naruto finished explaining.

Before him, the Hokage wished she had some sake. "So, basically, he's been taking drugs?"

The younger blond gave her a bewildered shrug. "I guess. I don't know," he admitted. His brow furrowed. "Did Neji make it back here? And what happened to Gaara?"

"Gaara's back in Suna," Tsunade muttered. "As for Neji... no change there. He's at home, between missions."

"You should have him checked out, too."

Tawny eyes blinked at him bemusedly. "What? Why?"

Naruto shook his head. "He was also talking to himself. Or rather, about some 'author' or something. I don't know. And him and teme got into this stupid fight about someone named Kishimoto, whoever that was." He shrugged helplessly.

"Oh." Tsunade blinked some more before heaving a sigh and getting out some sake from her secret stash. "Eh. Alright. I suppose it's about time for the annual Hyuuga Mental Health Check-up anyway. Those bastards are all crazy." Pause, chug. "'Cept Hinata. Mostly. Every once in a while- by the way, you haven't seen her, have you?"

"Uh..." Was that a trick question? "No, Tsunade-baabaa. If I had, she'd be recovering in the hospital after a fainting spell." Deadpan was the way to go!

To his surprise, his mentor was shaking her head at that. "No, actually. She's been trying for a solid week to run off with her secret boyfriend. I'm still trying to figure out who the bastard is*."

_Oh_. Naruto shifted on his feet, mulling that over. Hinata had a secret boyfriend? That was... incredibly out of character. And weird. Can't forget weird. "You uh... want me to find out?"

"Nah. Kakashi's on it."

_But_... "... but Kaka-sensei's unconscious at the bar down the street!"

"Augh!" Scowling, the female set her sake down harder than necessary. "SHIZUNE!"

Yeah, we're just gonna leave that and wrap shit up.

But wait, what's this?

"Uh huh. I see, I see, and how often has he bought this particular brand of condiment?"

Sakura blinked bemusedly at the redhead on her doorstep, wearing a fedora and some sort of strange black cloak that reminded her a lot of that guy with the bones**. "Uh... years?" she said, baffled.

Gaara gave her a disturbing smile. "Thanks for answering my questions! I'm going to go find him now. You have fun."

"Uh, okay..." She watched him go and decided she just _didn't want to know_. Sighing, she closed the door and turned away to smile at her house guest. "So anyway! As I was saying... Yes, Sasuke's a prat. I hate him."

"I see," Itachi murmured sagely, and smiled evilly when she turned to get tea.

xXx

**Dun dun duuunnn.**

***Kind of a shout out to my new favorite pairing, HidaHina. XDDD Go read my oneshot for them in _Kage no Monogatari_! (Shameless self-advertising)**

****One variation of many of Death (the physical person, not the occurrence, though they do go hand in hand generally).**

**Also, if it's not apparent, I have NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING. . Once upon a time I had a vague idea for plot, but that's pretty useless now. Still, look forward to more! … eventually. Anyway, review!**


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